When I was thinking about writing this blog, I was genuinely surprised by what popped into my head, but then I knew I HAD to write about it. 😆
It’s… forgiveness
Yes, I know, unexpected.
But the words I heard were, “I forgive and I set myself free.”
I think there’s so much confusion around forgiveness, and rightly so. It often gets confused with thoughts like:
If I forgive, I’m letting them off the hook
Or, if I forgive, they won’t be punished
Or, if I forgive, I have to pretend /act like nothing happened
In truth, I think the only reason I’ve been willing to even entertain forgiveness as a concept at all is because of that line, “I forgive and I set myself free.”
Because when I hold onto anger or a grievance, I am the one suffering.
At a class recently, I shared a story about a time when I experienced the totality of forgiveness and it utterly changed me. It was when my sister was dying.
It was June, 2010 and Melissa’s breast cancer had metastasized to her vital organs. Now her liver was shutting down. I’d visited her earlier in the month and had been desperate to get back to her. I finally was able to return, and was giving my mother and stepsister a much needed rest, by caring for Mel at her apartment. On Wednesday, the hospice social worker suggested it was time to move her to the hospice house where she might be more comfortable. Nurses would monitor her and we could transition her to intravenous morphine.
Once we’d settled her in, my husband and youngest daughter came for a visit.
That night I stayed in the room with her. The nurses had brought in a cot for me. I lay there, only I could not sleep. A clock ticked loudly over my head as I stared into the darkness.
Being with her felt sacred and reminded me of the many nights I lay awake when my children were newborns, when I could barely sleep, as I tuned into their breathing, ensuring their safety.
A vigil.
As I lay on my back looking up at the barely visible ceiling, I began to think about our relationship- my sister’s and mine.
We had experienced trauma at an early age, and that had bonded us. Yet, we were incredibly different in outlooks and temperament. Me, the people pleaser. My sister, the rebel.
Our relationship had always been difficult for me, strained. I’d been her parent from a young age and she’d never wanted that. As a result, the dynamic between us was often fraught, contentious, prickly.
Lying in the silence, I began to do a relationship life review, remembering back. As memories flooded in, so did a negative emotion that she had elicited.
Aggravation.
And just like that, there it was! That feeling. Ugh! She could be so annoying!
Instead of pushing that sensation away, I allowed that sense of aggravation to be there in all its discomfort. As I did, it was soon joined with specific examples from our past when I had felt that aggravation and annoyance.
This went on until the aggravation felt completely seen, felt, and experienced.
Then it floated away.
Only to be replaced by another emotion. This time it was frustration.
Melissa was rarely easy for me to be with, and often pushed back in (what I experienced as) unreasonable ways with me.
Again, I remembered various examples from our past in which I had experienced frustration. The memories came one after another until that emotion was thoroughly seen, felt, and experienced. And then it too floated away.
This went on and on as I lay there in the dark, her mere feet away from me in her hospital bed. Another emotion would arise. I’d go through this process. It would float away, only to be replaced by yet another one.
On and on
And on and on
Until finally every single one of those negative emotions were gone.
At that point, I wondered, what’s left?
And then I felt it, LOVE.
All that I had left for my sister was pure love.
And my heart burst with it.
Now, sixteen years later, I still feel that love. All of my grievances- they never came back.
I often reflect on this experience when I find myself in a place where I want to forgive but can’t seem to.
How do I do this again?
Here’s the steps as I see them:
Give yourself permission to feel every single feeling that is arising- and really feel it. Don’t judge or censor yourself at all.
Feel each one of those emotions -one at a time – along with the story or memories accompanied with it until that feeling is satisfied and there is a sense of completion with it.
This is when you can release it.
Imagine giving that emotion/story up to God, or to the sky, or simply seeing it dissolve.
Repeat this process with the next feeling until you can:
Feel the peace that comes with letting these go, the freedom.
I forgive and I set myself free.
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Image courtesy of Cristina Gottardi on Unsplash